every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
