I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
