i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
