can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
