last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
