Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
