Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
