If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize