Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
