after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
