just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
