Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
