I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Randomize
