look no pants
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
