Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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