I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
