Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
