it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
