MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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