What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
