Already got asked if we're dating
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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