My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
