New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
