it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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