Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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