I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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