Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Four minutes until I can fart!
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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