I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
