Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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