I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Randomize
