when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
