Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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