Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
