I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
