I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
