my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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