He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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