Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize