You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
