was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
