The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
