How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
