I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
