this is something i pride myself on being below average for
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize