Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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