My friends, they love my intelligence
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'm both gender and math confused
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
