This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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