I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
