His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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