My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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