After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize