P.S. I can't hear my feet
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize