I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
