If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
