just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
