I think i peed on brittanys purse
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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