did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Randomize
