I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
