We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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